Recurring Nightmare ... Missing Daughter

I keep having a nightmare that my daughter is missing. I felt the absolute grief and emptiness while I searched for her. Every time I pictured her face I'd lose all sanity and an intense emptiness would envelope me, all I wanted was my baby girl. A little girl I'll never see again, even awake, because like every parent, I've lost my baby to time.

She is older and wants more freedom, freedom to walk to a friends house, freedom to ride her bike in the cul de sac out front, walk with her older brother to school. I utilize a walkie talkie to ensure I am with her at all times but even this isn't enough to quench my fears. When she walks to a friends house, all of a block away, I talk with her. I ask her if she sees strangers, I ask her if there are any cars, I ask her to describe either if she sees them. I instruct her to look around and identify any dangers she can and then help her steer clear of them. The great thing about the walkie talkie is that the volume on her end is so loud that everyone can hear what I'm saying to her. A stranger that is being described to someone may feel a little weird, but at least I know the description of the person she just passed.

When kids are small we keep a tight leash on them but as they grow the leash gets tight and they need more length or it will eventually break. Thanks to technology it easier to keep the leash tight but give it more slack at the same time.

My parents think I'm nuts sometimes, giving my kids technology that they deem as unnecessary, that is until they see the advantages. First it was the DVD player in the car.... why in the world would my kids need to watch tv in the car.... Oh I don't know maybe because I would drive 6 hours plus to visit them with the kids on my own. It's a lot safer to drive when they aren't bugging the hell out of you.

The next unnecessary item for my kids... a cell phone. At the moment the walkie talkies work because I am always in range. However, when I go back to work that won't always be the case and I can talk to them as they go to childcare facilities or if I'm running a little late and they have to go home on their own. (My son is babysitting age).

I'll never get my baby girl back. I miss constant cuddles, hugs, and kisses but I am enjoying the new relationship that is building between my daughter and myself. I know that the nightmares aren't real but I still wake up in a sweat longing for my baby.

1 comment:

Edie Mindell said...

Hi. I know and understand how you feel. As parents, we just want our kids to stay as a baby. We don't want them to grow old because that would mean freedom to be on their own. As much as possible, we just want them to be close to us. That's probably the sentiments of all parents. But, we have no choice but to accept that fact. We just have to enjoy every moment we have with them. :-)


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