Should Kids Play with Kids Older than Them?

My friend's daughter, who is 8, is spending a lot of time with girls who are 12 years old.  She's torn about how to handle the situation.

In one respect her little girl is getting a boost to her self esteem because the older girls keep complimenting her and teach her new cheer leading moves.  On the other hand she is neglecting friends her age and hurting her relationships with her peers. 

I had a similar situation with my son earlier this year when he was hanging out with a boy 5 years older.  It was much easier for me to say that they couldn't hang out because they didn't go to school together.  Its harder for my friend because her daughter is at the same school as her older friends and plays with them every chance she can.  By ignoring her peers on the playground in favor of older friends she is damaging her friendships with peers.  For example my daughter thought they weren't friends anymore because she (the 8 yr old) was always running off to find her older friends.

I can understand how cool it feels for a younger child when older kids pay attention to them.  However, its not good for younger children to always be with children years older than them.  Older children are going through things younger children can't comprehend, nor should they.  Can children form real friendships with children 4-5 years older than them?  As siblings possibly over time but as school mates, I'm not so sure. 

In Calgary the schools are divided more then the schools in BC.  In Calgary my children couldn't go to the same school because of the way they are divided: Grade K-4, 5-7, 8-10, and 11-12.  In BC they are in the same school: Grade K-7, 8-12.  I don't like the way younger kids are put onto the playground with older kids and I certainly don't like it when grade 8 girls are hanging around grade 12 boys. 

In my girlfriend's case I can see how this friendship gives her little girl confidence but I believe it should be monitored and limited so that better friendships with peers have a chance to grow. 

Today's One of Those "Blue" Days - How to Stay Happy as a Stay at Home Mom

Maybe it's the rain but I'm down in the dumps today. On days like this I get nothing done, am thinking very negatively, and don't want to move off the couch. One of the hardest parts of being a stay at home mom is the isolation, especially since we just moved to a new province and I don't know anyone. Maybe I need some "happy" pills or just a good night sleep.

Really I should be grateful, extremely grateful, that I have the life I do. Afterall, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and two wonderful children. Yet, I'm still unmotivated and starting to have thoughts that are darker then I'd like them to be. If it was a matter of the negatives overwhelming me then I'd be able to combat these blues with a positives first attitude. That is listing out all that I'm am grateful for, concentrating on the positives of life before the negatives. However, it is not - it's just the "blues" for no reason, except perhaps boredom, lonliness, or lack of mental stimulation.

I started to search out other websites that claim to have the answer for stay at home moms to remain happy. Many people do not understand how someone who is home and has no demands outside their family could get down - but it does happen. One of the reasons mothers work outside the home is for their mental health, others stay home for the same reason. Everyone has bad days, everyone gets "blue," everyone needs coping tools, and everyone needs support.

How to stay Happy being a stay at home mom

Dr. Phil Stay at Home Mom Message Board

How to be a Stay at Home Mom

Happy Housewives Club

Counting Your Blessings

I should really take this opportunity that life has given me to enjoy being a stay at home mom and have a nap. If I waste a day I shouldn't really sweat it and give myself a break for not doing the laundry. Better yet, I think I'll pick up the phone and call my girlfriends back in Calgary - that is always the best medicine for days like these.

Defining the roles of siblings to foster friendship

When I was pregnant with my daughter I defined my son's role as a big brother for him. As we talked about what it meant to be a big brother he made the role his and took it very seriously. As a big brother he was very concerned about her happiness and her safety.

As my daughter grew up it became very clear that she was getting the better deal so I defined her role as a little sister and made her just as responsible for her big brother as he was for her.

By defining their roles and having them participate in the discussion they took full ownership of their roles in the family. They have become very close and are good friends.

Time Apart is Important to Build Close Sibling Relationships

I feel bad for my little girl and wish there were more girls around her age. She feels left out a lot because her brother has lots of kids knocking on the door wanting to play with him, but rarely does she have someone asking her to play. I don't want to make her brother take her all the time, but sometimes I do by asking him questions trying to get him into her shoes. He will usually take her along when I ask.

What I find harder to do though, is to get him to stick up for her when the neighbour boys are being mean to her. There have been times when I've told the neighbour boys if they want to play with him they have to play with her too or he has to come home. The neighbours are brothers and they love to play with my son, the problem is they want nothing to do with my daughter and she ends up crying because they are mean to her.

I then try to get my son into her shoes by asking him how he would feel and if he were her what he'd want to see happen. For the most part it is working and he will take her with him if I ask but he still has a problem sticking up for her when his friends are mean.

Being a big brother is a huge responsiblity because you have this little girl looking up at her knight in shining armour. When he refuses to act the little princesses heart is broken.

It seems any time there is conflict between them it happens as a result of other kids being in the picture. I want them to stand together as a united front against the onslaught of the world, but that is a lot to ask.

They need their own friends, their own space their own alone time to really apprecitate the time they have together. They are individuals that need to find their own strength on their own. I know this, but it is hard when my daughter comes in with tears running down her face because the kids are being mean and her big brother isn't standing up for her.

Watch What You Say to Your Children

Sometimes as parents we say things that we really don't mean, sometimes out of fear, other times out of conditioning. Ever hear the saying "I sound like my mother"? Is your child overly sensitive or overly emotional? You really need to ensure that you respect their feelings, even if they are irrational. This takes time because you can't just dismiss them and say "get over it" or "your just being silly." To do so would make things worse and then they will be scared to open up.

If one child is more irrational or more sensitive then the other and you continue to dismiss them, you will start to drive the wedge in between them. HUH, this has nothing to do with them as siblings right? Wrong. A sensitive child can pick up on how you talk and treat the other and even if their assumptions are incorrect they are real to them, it becomes their reality, their truth. Perceived favoritism is just as real to them as actual favoritism.

So how do you avoid this? First by understanding that your child is sensitive and in tune to things he or she cannot understand. Second put yourself in that childs shoes by asking them questions about how they came to that conclusion. Continue asking leading questions getting them to quietly and calmly come to a different conclusion. Don't harp on them, don't belittle their feelings or try to make light of them. To a sensitive child these feelings and conclusions are real.

A sensitive child is a hard nut to crack because in most cases they will not open up to you and internalize everything. Every once in awhile they will say something a remark here or there that you will need to pick up and run with. By not critizing them and helping them to understand your side or the other child's side will go a long way.

Children Remember to say "I Love You"

Do you encourage your children to tell each other "I Love You"? They need to know that their siblings love and value them not only to raise their self esteem but to avoid self pity assumptions that are not true.

Do you encourage your children to tell each other how great they are? Self esteem is one of those things that needs to be nurtured and what better way then by their siblings? Siblings who know that their sibling thinks they are a great sister or brother will strive to continue to keep that title. This also will ensure that wrong and damaging assumptions are not made.

Siblings will fight and they will get on each others nerves. They will say mean things to each other and hurt each others feelings. The result of which can be blown out of proportion if they are unsure if their sibling loves them. If they already believe that their sibling can't stand them more negative words will only prove their mistaken assumptions.

This is the month of love. Why not encourage more love in your home by establishing an "I Love You" habit. No one goes to bed without saying "I Love You" to everyone.

Jealousy Between Siblings Can Destroy their Friendship

Do you have one child who gets in trouble a bit more than the other? 

One who is more talented, cuter, more popular? 

 This is where things can get tricky. 

 This is where time together gets more important then ever. Does one perceive that the other gets more or is more loved?

 Short of keeping a journal and list to make sure that each is provided the same amount of stuff, love and attention, it can be hard to keep perceived favortism out of the picture. If your children seem to be unequal in gifts and talents, it is time for you to focus on the child who you perceive as having less. 

Time for you to put them into a variety of activities to find the one that they will shine in. 

 Time for you to look and find the diamonds that need polishing and polish them. 

It's time for you to take a look at your attitude. Yes, your attitude. 

 Do you view the interests and activities of that child as somehow not important, as lesser and not interesting to you? 

 If a child loves something that you don't why should the child find interest in that what you are interested in? As the parent is it not your responsibility to make sure that you take in interest in what they are interested in. Ok so a night at the hockey game may be more fun for you but your child may be more interested in building models. Which do you think he would find most valuable and most esteem boosting?  

Time doing something dad likes to do or doing something he likes to do? I'm not saying that time with a child has to be all about their interests and talents, but the bulk of the time should be. 

In todays world the amount of time we have for our kids is not huge, in fact it is a precious commodity. It is easier to spend time having fun with the child who's interests parallel yours, the trick is spending time with the one who is different, doing what the child likes. 

 Showing an interest in both children's interests, talents and activities will help to alleviate the preceived favortism attitude that will erode a sibling relationship. If one child's activities will take up so much more of your day to day time and resources at the expense of the other child how will this help their relationship? 

 After all sibling rivalry is the fight for you, your love, and your attention. 

 

How would you feel if your spouse came home with another wife or husband for you to play with and share with. How would you feel? It's easy to pass it off as sibling rivalry and as one child being a whiner or overly sensitive, but guess what... you are the parent and it is your job to teach them how to get a long.

2022 

My kids continued to get along throughout their lives and to this day are the best of friends. They rarely fought and we could drive for 15 hours straight without a fight. Relatives called my kids aliens. 

Here's what I did to foster a better relationship between my kids. 

If they started fighting - I'd step in and say - "Ok you can fight but you have to say I love you and hugs first... then you can fight." 

This worked well when they were really little as they would listen to me. As they got older they started to push back, but then it was the two of them against me - so they were on the same team. 

Another thing I did was to separate them if they were getting on each others nerves. They just needed a break from each other and then they'd come back together as friends. 

When they would start getting angry I would listen to them and ask, do you love your brother / sister? They'd say yes and I would explain that loving them meant accepting them for who they are and not whom they wanted them to be. It was up to them to stand up for each other against those who were hurting or harming them. 

They had their moments as teenagers when it was a bit rough. That had a lot to do with the divorce though and that is a whole other blog post. 

If you want more ideas about how to raise your kids to be friends - join me at shannonpeel.com 

 

They are Fighting over a Toy AGAIN!!!

Do your children fight over toys all the time? Maybe something else? What do you do when this happens? Do you insist that one gets the toy over the other? If you do you are in fact driving a wedge between the two and insuring that the fighting will continue. Never ever take sides, even when one is so far in the wrong its obvious. By taking sides you start a me verses them outlook and the "mom loves you more then me" attitude will start to take shape. So what should you do?

If they are fighting over something, take it away, no one gets it. If they can't get along then they need to go to seperate rooms until they can. Both of them, not just one, no time outs no inforced punishments, no taking sides. They need to sort out how to get along with each other on their own, without you running interference. You are a parent not a referee. So if one is obviously the instigator then why should both go to their rooms?

Natural consequence for fighting is to go to their rooms, doesn't matter who started it or who's fault it is. If you start assining blame you'll be playing the blame game for the next 30 or more years, who started it, who's to blame this time? All of a sudden you are no longer a parent, you are judge, jury and executioner. You are who they will come to in order to be proven right and you'll drive the wedge between them even deeper.

Its not about justice, its about learning to get along and be there for each other. When they get out into the world do you want them to constantly be demanding justice and placing blame on everyone or do you want them to be able to get along with others?