"Woe is Me" Rant....

OK I hate the whole woe is me thing but today.... I'll make an exception. A month and a half to go before the money runs out and I passed up on the one and only job offer paying real money I received because I couldn't figure out daycare.

I've reassessed my resume, I've sent out so many resumes I've lost track. I've sent out emails, I've made phone calls, I've knocked on doors, I've met with people, I've updated my online contact lists, and I've applied for advertised positions.

OK so I'm frustrated, I look at the four walls that surround me and am going cabin crazy. I want to work, I want to be home for my kids, I want time for myself, most of all I want an income better then what I have.

I know I could be starting my own business and really I should, I've got the skills and the desire, I just can't pull myself together to do it. Since I'm on EI, I really can't do it because it's one of those not allowed to do things. My employment counsellor believes I have too many marketable skills to refer me to the SEED program.... so I feel a little stuck. I can't believe I've left it at that, I should push and demand the recommendation, after all that is what a "GOOD" salesperson and entrepreneur does.... but I'm deflated, done like dinner with a screw it attitude.

I'm not sure why I'm so unmotivated, I don't want to sit here day in and day out doing nothing but cleaning and being alone. I want to do something, but I don't know..... I can't put my finger on it, maybe that's the problem.

I'm tired of fighting, trying to convince others, to sell something, to get them to see me. Who I am , my skills, my strengths, my willingness to work hard for the promise of more. I think I was sick of the being employed game way before I even wrote my resume. I am tired of having my life, my success, my future in the hands of someone else. Some days I'm just plain tired. Maybe one day things will come together and this post will be a stupid blip, an embarrassment and a joke all wrapped in one. Deep down I know I'm better than this, I know I have the abilities needed to persevere, but right now I'm ready to lie down and surrender.

Time to enjoy the sun and maybe tomorrow........

UPDATED:
Life sucks until you find out someone else's life sucks worse. I just stopped by facebook to find out a schoolmate's 3 year old son died today. I can't find a job, big deal - so what - that's nothing compared to his loss today. I feel petty and stupid - what a self centered wallowing ass I've been today. I've got my kids - they are healthy and happy - THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS!!!!!